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QUOTE1.LST
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1993-02-27
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George Bush Virus:
Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Ted Kennedy Virus:
Crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.
Warren Commission Virus:
Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
Jerry Brown Virus:
Blanks your screen and flashes an 800 number.
Jimmy Carter Virus:
Doesn't kill the machine, but gives it a broad sense of malaise.
David Duke Virus:
Makes your screen go completely white.
Congressional Virus:
Overdraws your disk space.
Paul Tsongas Virus:
Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
Pat Buchanan Virus:
Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.
Dan Quayle Virus:
Forces your computer to play PGA TOUR from 10.a.m. to 4.p.m.,
six days a week.
Bill Clinton Virus:
his virus mutates from region to region;
we're not exactly sure what it does.
Richard Nixon Virus (AKA the "Tricky Dick Virus"):
You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.
H. Ross Perot Virus:
Same as the Jerry Brown virus, only nicer fonts are used,
and it appears to have had a lot more money put into its development.
Supreme Court Virus:
Reverses its actions every six years.
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "The only thing worse than a Wellstone is a tombstone!!!" ║
║ ║
║ -Glen Kepler ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Who is that Chicken%#&*" ║
║ ║
║ -George Bush, when speaking about Minnesota's new senator ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information." ║
║ ║
║ -Ofra Ben-Yaacoe of the Israeli Consulate in Chicago, ║
║ immediately after word came that Iraqi missiles hit Israel ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Clearly I've never been there, but it feels like we are in the center ║
║ of hell." ║
║ -CNN anchorman Bernard Shaw reporting from Baghdad ║
║ as bombs sounded around him ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "I'm gonna pop some popcorn and watch the war." ║
║ ║
║ -A University of Oklahoma student, after President ║
║ Bush's address to the nation Wednesday ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Saddam was my classmate. He was not good in his studies. In fact, he ║
║ was an imbecile. A real zero, especially in English. I tried to help ║
║ him. I can't believe that a dunce like him is now leading a country ║
║ that threatens Israel. However, he was charismatic and he was class ║
║ president." ║
║ ║
║ -Raphel Goohary, an Iraqi Jew now living in Israel, ║
║ on his former schoolmate ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "First we're going to cut it off, then we're going to kill it!!!" ║
║ ║
║ -General Colin Powell ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Wars may be fought by weapons, but they are won by men. It is the ║
║ spirit of the men who follow and of the man who leads that gains ║
║ the victory." ║
║ -General George S. Patton ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Weapons are an important factor in war, but not the decisive one; it ║
║ is the man and not the materials that counts." ║
║ -Mao Tse-Tung ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "War is the realm of chance. No other human activity gives it ║
║ greater scope; no other has such incessant and varied dealings with ║
║ this intuder. chance makes everything more uncertain and interferes ║
║ with the whole course of events." ║
║ -Karl Von Clausewitz ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "No solder has ever won a war by dying for his country, he made the ║
║ other dumb bastard die for his." ║
║ -General George S. Patton ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "We're going to hold them by the nose and kick them in the ass." ║
║ ║
║ -General George S. Patton ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of ║
║ preserving peace." ║
║ -George Washington ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "It is well that war is so terrible or we would grow fond of it." ║
║ ║
║ -Robert E. Lee ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "I offer neither pay nor quarters nor provisions; I offer hunger, ║
║ thirst, forced marches, battles and death. Let him who loves his ║
║ country in his heart, and not his lips only, follow me. ║
║ ║
║ -Giuseppe Garibaldi ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Duty is the sublimest word in our language. Do your duty in all ║
║ things. You cannot do more. You should never do less." ║
║ ║
║ -Robert E. Lee ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open." ║
║ ║
║ -Sir James Dewar ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Ever forward, but slowly." ║
║ -Gebhard Leberecht Von Blucher ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare." ║
║ ║
║ -Heinz Guderian ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "My center gives way, my right is pushed back, situation excellent, ║
║ I am attacking." ║
║ -Ferdinand Foch ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Leadership is intangible, and therfore no weapon ever designed can ║
║ replace it." ║
║ -General Omar Bradley ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Time is everything: Five minutes makes the difference between ║
║ victory and defeat." ║
║ -Admiral Horatio Nelson ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths are a statistic." ║
║ ║
║ -Joseph Stalin ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Look at the infantryman's eyes and you can see how much war he has ║
║ seen." ║
║ -Bill Mauldin ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought." ║
║ ║
║ -Unknown ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy." ║
║ ║
║ -Unknown ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature." ║
║ ║
║ -Unknown ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don`t feel ║
║ like it." ║
║ -Unknown ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Minnesota...Land Of 10,000 TAXES!!!" ║
║ ║
║ -Minnesota's Silent Majority ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Minnesota...WELFARE Capital of America." ║
║ ║
║ -Glen Kepler ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "DFL'S State Motto...If it moves License It! If it dosen't TAX IT!" ║
║ ║
║ -Glen Kepler ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Nuke'em" ║
║ ║
║ -Unknown ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ Sentry: "Halt, who goes there?" ║
║ Voice : "American." ║
║ Sentry: "Advance and recite then second verse of the ║
║ Star Spangled Banner." ║
║ Voice : "I don't know it." ║
║ Sentry: "Proceed, American." ║
║ ║
║ -Unknown ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "Some Companies practice Mushroom Management, "Keep the employee's ║
║ in the dark and give them lots of brown stuff" ║
║ ║
║ -Glen Kepler ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "A good customer is one who appreciates your good work, a bad ║
║ customer is one who would complain about the sun coming up in ║
║ the morning!" ║
║ ║
║ -Glen Kepler ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ "If Senator Wellstone was any farther to Left politically, he'd ║
║ fall off." ║
║ ║
║ -Glen Kepler ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #1
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
"Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #2
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR
"I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs spread."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #3
SHOMAEH FEKR TOMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE
"I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #4
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST
"It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your
car."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #5
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA REJEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
"If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will
gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #6
KHREL JEPAHEN MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKANEY
"I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling
as reporters."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #7
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI
"Whatever you say!"
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #8
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GOHRBAN
"The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency."
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #9
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRAUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
"The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious! Thank you - I must have the
recipe!"
Useful to know phrase when traveling Moslem Arab areas: #10
ETHFORAN, DHRATEE OTAGEH SHOWA MIKRASTAMKHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH
SHEEREELTEEGZ
"Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than spend a
fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs!"
You teach best what you most need to learn.
- Bach
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they
are yours.
- Bach
You are never given a wish without also being given
the power to make it true. You may have to work for
it, however.
- Bach
The original sin is to limit yourself. Don't!
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say,
"I've got responsibilities."
- Bach
The world is your exercise book, the pages on which
you do your sums. It's not reality, although you can
express reality there if you wish. You are also free
to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
- Bach
Your friends will know you better in the first minute
you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a
thousand years.
- Bach
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world - even if what is published
is not true.
- Bach
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for
you in its hands. You seek problems because you need
their gifts.
- Bach
The bond that links your true family is not one of
blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.
Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same
roof.
- Bach
If you will practice being fictional for awhile, you
will understand that fictional characters are sometimes
more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
- Bach
Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your
selfishness. Listen to it carefully.
- Bach
Every person, all the events of your life are there
because you have drawn them there. Whay you choose to
do with them is up to you.
- Bach
The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is,
and that's all it needs to be.
- Bach
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is
finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
- Bach
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice
boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.
- Bach
Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary
before you can meet again. And meeting again, after
moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are
friends.
- Bach
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in
injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end
of the world, the master calls a butterfly.
- Bach
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- F. W. O'Malley
The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab
it and run.
- John Barrymore
When some men discharge an obligation you can hear the
report for miles around.
- Mark Twain
Only so much do I know, as I have lived.
- Emerson
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
- Aldous Huxley
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"
- Whittier
The best happiness a woman can boast is that of being
most carefully deceived.
- George James
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has
not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
- Howard Scott
I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
- Calvin Coolidge
It's clever, but is it art?
- Kipling
Beneath this stone my wife doth lie:
Now she's at rest, and so am I!
- Boileau
There are men who can think no deeper than a fact.
- Voltaire
It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of
vegetarianism, while the wolf remains of a different opinion.
- Dean Inge
A failure is a man who has blundered but is not able to cash
in the experiance.
- Elbert Hubbard
I would rather err with Plato than think rightly with
these (Pythagoreans).
- Cicero
O Lord--if there is a Lord; save my soul--if I have a soul.
- Renan
Surgery is by far the worst snob among the handicrafts.
- Austin O'Malley
Two and two continue to make four, in spite of the whine of the
amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five.
- Whistler
Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
- Washington Irving
Women and elephants never forget an injury.
- Saki
If there were no God, it would have been nesessary to
invent him.
- Voltaire
History is merely gossip.
- Oscar Wilde
Every form of government tends to perish by excess of its basic
principle.
- Will Durant
How prudently we proud men compete for nameless graves, while
now and then some starveling of Fate forgets himself into
immortality.
- Wendell Phillips
Pay no attention to what critics say. There has never been set
up a statue in honor of a critic.
- Sibelius
No man who needs a monument ever ought to have one.
- Hawthorne
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain
why you did it wrong.
- Longfellow
Once man demanded virtue in woman; now all he
expects is that she be discreet.
A small debt produces a debtor; a large one, an enemy.
- Publilius Syrus
The cat is in the parlor, the dog is in the lake;
The cow is in the hammock -- what difference does it make?
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diaper once a month?
A: Because it says right on the box - "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror in the bottom of a pool.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized!
Q: Why should you never take a blond out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to retrain them.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N. . . . hum, oh well. . .
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea, yea, yea....
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence!
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in a Handicapped Zone!
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ears.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (while rocking head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packets.
Q: Why do blonds wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blonds wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What's the mating call of a blonde?
A: I'm sooooooo drunk!
Q: What's the mating call of a brunette?
A: Have all the blondes left?
Q: Why do blondes like the GST?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q: What do you say to a blonde who won't give in?
A: Have another beer.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blond on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blond with a brunette on either side?
A: A language barrier.
Q: What's the first thing a blond does in the morning?
A1: Introduce herself.
A2: Go home.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's whiteout all over the screen.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blond and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because you wash vegetables there.
Q: The dumb blonde - Why?
A: Because there's no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy,
or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What is the mating call of an ugly blonde?
A: (screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put thumb tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How many blonds does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five, one to make the batter and four to peel the smarties.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only six months?
A: Because it said right on the box - "from 2-4 years."
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: How does a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Why did the blonde go half-way to Norway, turn around and come
home again?
A: It took her that long to realise that a 14" Viking was a
television.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blonds always die before help arrives?
A: When dialling 911, they can't find the 11(eleven).
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or a flat rate?
Q: What do you call a ski slope covered in blondes?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
A: Oh look, a box of donut seeds!
A brunette and a blonde were walking along a street. The brunette
exclaims suddenly, "Oh look, a dead birdie!" The blonde stops,
looks up and says "where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong
way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you're going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the
people are leaving.
Don't complain that my coffee tastes like dishwater
--until you've tasted my dishwater...
- MEL
You belive that easily which you hope for earnestly.
- Terence
God sends meat, the devil sends cooks.
- Charles VI
No nation was ever ruined by trade.
- Franklin
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe
in it.
- Don Marquis
One can find women who have never had one love affair,
but it is rare indeed to find any who have had only one.
- La Rochefoucauld
You teach best, that which you need to learn most.
- Richard Bach
God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until
the end of his days.
- Johnson
The perception of beauty is a moral test.
- Thoreau
It is better to play than do nothing.
- Confucius
The only real people are the people who never
existed.
- Oscar Wilde
They make glorious shipwreck who are lost in seeking worlds.
- Lessing
Women, deceived by men, want to marry them! It is a
kind of revenge as good as any other.
- Beaumanoir
I value little my own opinions, but I value just as
little those of others.
- Montaigne
Wise men plead causes, but fools decide them.
- Anacharsis
My memory is the thing I forget with.
- A child
Ignorance never settles a question.
- Disraeli
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed
for trivial reasons.
- Bertrand Russell
Language is only the instrument of science, and
words are but the signs of ideas.
- Johnson
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows
himself to be a fool.
- Shakespeare
Only the wise possess ideas; the greater part of mankind
are possessed by them.
- Coleridge
Were it not for imagination, Sir, a man would be as happy
in the arms of a chambermaid as of a Duchess.
- Johnson
If you want him to mourn, you had best leave him
nothing.
- Martial
Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it.
- V. Alfieri
Nothing is so firmly believed as what we least know.
- Montaigne
All I know is just what I read in the papers.
- Will Rogers
It is much easier to be critical that to be correct.
- Disraeli
Laugh, if you are wise.
- Martial
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody
does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich
as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg
in the streets, and to steal bread.
- Anatole France
Slick Willie's Infallible method for winning elections
-------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Choose a `minority' (BUT do not define it too clearly).
(This step won't work with a majority.)
(2) Portray this minority as `the root of all evil'.
(Even if you know it isn't, lying is allowed on this step.)
(3) Then sit back while the `majority' votes you into power.
(Later you can treat the majority and minority alike.)
(4) Go to your bunker - Eva is waiting.
It's not common knowledge that Slick Willie tried to get into the
Army as an 8F - in case of an enemy invasion, he'd be sent overseas!
Slick Willy is for higher learning. He wants to subsidize
'training bras'.
I don't want to say that Willy is Slick, but he convinced Mario
Cuomo that capital punishment is acceptable ONLY if it's not too
severe.
Hillary has always been spouting off at the mouth. Until she was 6
months old, her parents were diapering the wrong end!
When Slick Willy was a baby, he bawled all night. Now only the
spelling has been changed.
One night, when Slick Willy was in bed with Jennifer Flowers, he
heard the front door open. Jennifer quickly said "That must be my
husband, ... go faster .... I'm coming ... I'm coming" Slick Willy
quickly added "Kiss my ass, I'm going ... I'm going"
The polls show that Slick Willy might be president. I don't want
to say it could be a rough economy but I just saw a squirrel bury 4
acorns and a can of sterno.
Hillary found Slick Willy in bed with another woman and angrily
asked "What the hell are you doing?". Slick Willy looked at her with
disgust, then looked down at his bimbo and said "Didn't I tell you she
was stupid?"
Hillary comes home one day to find Slick Willy in bed with a
midget. Her face becomes contorted (more than it usually is) when she
screams "You promised you'd never cheat on me again." Slick Willy
innocently looks up at her and replies "Can't you see I'm trying to
taper off".
Hillary confides to Tipper that Slick Willy has cut her down to
sex two times a month. Tipper says to her "Don't feel too bad, I know
a girl he cut out completely."
In sizing up the global economy, Slick Willy said, "There's
nothing more expensive than a girl who's free for the evening."
Slick Willy is so politically correct his favorite color is plaid!
Slick Willy was speaking in front of a group of small business
owners and says "Remember, we were put on this earth to help OTHERS",
to which one of the owners replies, "And what were the OTHERS put here
for?"
Slick Willy is like an unemployed schoolteacher? No class and no
priciples!
In his high school year book, Slick Willy was chosen as the "Boy
Most Likely To"
Slick Willy must be with the secret service...he's always
undercover"
What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road
and a dead liberal? There are skid marks in front of the dead
dog.....
What did Slick Willy whisper to Jennifer Flowers concerning the
Martin Luther King holiday? "Shoot four more and we'll take the whole
week off"
You know what happened when Slick Willy went swimming in the ocean
- OIL SLICK!!!
Why is the democratic party like granola? Cause once you get
passed all the fruits and the nuts, all you have left is the flakes!
Slick Willy stopped calling Hillary "the little woman" once she
started calling him "the big mistake".
Slick Willy takes Hillary out every night...but she keeps coming
back.
Slick Willy is a guy who'd like to do all the things Hillary
thinks he does.
Slick Willy's not a 'yes-man'. When Hillary says "no", he says
"no".
When Slick Willy married Hillary, he lost his liberty in pursuit
of happiness.
They say "It's a priviledge to be able to pay taxes". If Slick
Willy becomes president, I will have to give up the priviledge.
I built a business so that my children would someday take it over.
However, if Slick Willy is elected, the government will certainly
beat my children to it.
Slick Willy will finally put poverty within our reach!
"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". After all,
Slick Willy will have a tax on it by then.
Slick Willy just invented a new drink called the `tax cocktail'.
After an extramartial partner drinks two of them, she withholds
nothing...
Slick Willy plans to lick inflation. According to Jennifer
Flowers, it's the only thing left for him to lick.
Slick Willy is the flower of manhood - he's a blooming idiot!
I wouldn't say that Hillary is rotten, but you get the feeling Eva
Braun didn't die in that bunker.
They once caught Slick Willy skinny dipping in the pool - the
secretarial pool that is....
If Slick Willy becomes president, `going-out-of-business' stores
will!
A very concerned Slick Willy once said to his girl friend's
obstetrician "Tell me the truth doctor, how long do I have to leave
town?'
Slick Willy once got beaten up for kissing the bride. It was
three years after the ceremony.
Slick Willy once told Al Bore "I'll sleep with rich or poor girls
anywhere and anytime". Al asks "What's the difference?" Slick Willy
says "Well, those that are poor, I help out".
Slick Willy called an electrician to do some home repairs and
found out that he charged $85 per hour. Slick Willy said "Eighty-five
dollars an hour? I never made that much even when I was governor" The
electrician replied "Neither did I when YOU were governor....!!
With Mario Cuomo's legislative record on abortion, when he goes to
confession, he brings his lawyer! (I know. These are supposed to be
Slick Willy jokes... I'm sorry ... my mind wandered ...)
If George Bush were to say "Listen, America. Opportunity is
knocking", Slick Willy would complain about the noise.
Slick Willy has invented a new antiperspirant - unemployment!!
When Slick Willy was asked how he felt about lesbians, he said "I
don't know, I've never been to Beirut."
You can always tell when Slick Willy is lying....his lips are
moving.
Slick Willy once remarked incredulously "If George Washington
never told a lie, HOW did he become president?"
When Slick Willy becomes president, he'll make us all `tap dancers
in the canoe of life'.
Teddy's new boat was bright blue
Had a date with a maiden he knew
The coroner found
The poor girl had drowned
Kissing Ted in his leaky canoe!! (oops,my mind wandered again!)
Unhappy at the state of little Slick Willy's room, his mother came
up with a new rule: Every time she picked something up, he would have
to pay her a dime. At the end of the first week she added up the
chores and asked Slick Willy for ninety cents. He paid her and said
"Thanks Ma .... Keep up the good work...."
Slick Willy promises UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICES WITH VALET PARKING.
Don't let anybody kid you. Slick Willy's been in love with the
same woman for years. But if Hillary ever finds out, she'll kill
him...
Slick Willy always has said "It is better to have loved and
lost.... much better......"
Slick Willy and Hillary were `riding the hobbyhorse' one night and
both noticed there was a lack of mutual enthusiasm. After a while
Slick Willy said "What's the matter Hillary ... can't you think of
anybody either?"
A family in Slick Willy's Arkansas finally found out why they had
trouble keeping up with the Joneses - the Joneses were on welfare.
After Slick Willy becomes president they'll be a lot of things
your money can't buy - like what your money bought a week ago.
Slick Willy said to a group of businessmen, "When I was a kid, I
wanted to be a pirate." They cheered in unison "Congratulations!"
Slick Willy's got property in Atlantic City. A motel still has
one of his bags.
A prostitute met ninety-year-old Slick Willy at a bar. In usual
form, he asked her if she wanted to have some fun. She said "Oh come
on, you've had it." He replied "Ok, how much do I owe you?"
Slick Willy, in defending his foreign policies, says "I know how
to handle the Arabs". A reporter asks "What would you do with the
Bedouins?". Slick Willy replies "The Bedouins we oppose .... the
Goodouins we support."
Slick Willy wanted Hillary in his arms, but instead, found her on
his hands.
The psychiatrist waited until His Royal Slickness was comfortable
on the couch, then said "Why don't you start at the beginning..."
Slick Willyy said "OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and
the earth....."
The plane landed. Slick Willy, while walking down the mobile
steps, looked at the panorama and remarked "I have never seen such
utter devastation. It's amazing what a hurricane can do." The pilot
said "Governor, we were in Homestead yesterday, this is Arkansas."
If Slick Willy becomes president, many people will be willing to
trade their checks for the withholding.
If Slick Willy never inhaled, why is Hillary measuring the
presidential chair for a seat belt.
You can't call Slick Willy a cheap politician. He cost his state
a fortune.
Slick Willie is more than happy to stand on his record. That way,
nobody can see it.
Slick Willy is just the man to get the country moving. If he
wins, I'm moving.
Slick Willy and Hillary had just consummated their marriage.
Hillary asked Willy "Was I the first?". He replied "Why does
everybody ask me that question!"
A conductor went down the aisle of the train shouting "Change for
Marietta...Change for Marietta". A very young Slick Willy said "I
don't know who this Marietta is, but I'll throw in a quarter for her."
They now have a train that can go 200 miles an hour through
Arkansas. Considering the results of the Slick Willy governorship,
that's not a bad way to go through Arkansas.
Hillary has the look that turns heads ..... and stomachs too ...
A young black lady found herself in a delicate condition. Going
to see Slick Willy, the father, she said, "If you don't marry me, I'll
kill myself." To which his grand slickness replied "That's very nice
of you."
Slick Willy's `new covenant' clearly accepts all denominations -
tens, twenties, fifties, .............
When Chelsea was born to Hillary and Slick Willy, he asked "What
makes you think she's going to be a liberal democrat?" Hillary
replied "Cause like you, she says so many things that sound great and
mean nothing."
Many democrats in congress are calling it quits - there's nothing
left to steal....
Slick Willy's shades were falling fast
When for a kiss he asked her
She must have said "yes" because
Willy's shades came down much faster
Success hasn't changed Slick Willy. He's still the same lousy
womanizing bum he's always been ....
Did you know that Slick Willy once got a hernia during a
consciousness- raising session?
Slick Willy and Al Bore still haven't learned that a "communist"
is somebody who has nothing and wants to share it with you.
Slick Willy suddenly started to feel a pain in his groin. After
examining him, the doctor said, "How often do you make love?" Slick
Willy says "Three or four times a day with various extramarital
beauties and maybe twice a week with Hillary." The doctor says
"You're going to have to slow down. Why don't you start by cutting
out Hillary." Slick Willy replies "Damn it, I can't do that. If I do,
I'll have to make her Secretary of State."
Little known fact: When Slick Willy went on jury duty they found
him guilty.....
When Slick Willy was a youngster, he had an inferiority complex -
that was the last time he was right about anything!
For every woman that has made a fool out of Slick Willy, there is
another woman who has made a fool out of Slick Willy.
There are as many Slick Willys as there are whores to describe
him.
If Slick Willy had his life to live over, he shouldn't!
It's too bad Slick Willy has never had an X-ray. That way even
his supporters would be able to see through him...
Have you noticed that Vilhelm Von Slick Willy is always hoarse.
That's because he tries to prove he is right by being wrong at the top
of his lungs.
Slick Willy has promised to make us all upstanding citizens.
He'll take our furniture too!
Slick Willy has something in common with Adolf Hitler - they only
call Dial-A-Prayer to see if they have any messages....
In this picture we see Slick Willy and Al Bore working together
for the first time as members of the same tug-of-war team - they're
the 1st and 2nd jerks from the right.
Slick Willy has admitted "I'm glad Hillary has joined the feminist
movement. Now she complains about all men, not just me!
During a feminist demonstration, one feminazi was screaming "Free
Women! ... Free Women!" Slick Willy, who happened to be working his
way through the crowd, asked her quietly "Do you deliver?"
Slick Willy has been giving George Bush the benefit of his
inexperience.
Hillary wasn't born yesterday. Nobody could get that ugly in 24
hours.
Slick Willy says to Al Bore, "I can't break Hillary of the habit
of staying up until 5 in the morning." "What does she do?", Al asks.
"Waits for me to get home", Slick Willy answers.
If Slick Willy becomes president, he'll undoubtably hire a
beautiful secretary and make her the object of a presidential probe."
Slick Willy loves hi-tech computers. He always has his Wang in
his hand....
Slick Willy thinks Catholics are inferior
Yet, to win, he needs JFK's interior
"I'll get that vote"
Slick Willy wrote
"If I have to sleep with the Mother Superior"
(and he probably has).
When Hillary was in college, her mother said to her, "Don't play
with boys, they're too rough". Hillary replied "Don't worry mother,
I've found a teflon one."
As a business man, Slick Willy worries me. He thinks Dun &
Bradstreet is an intersection!
Tipper Bore says to Hillary, "Hey, I love your new panties and
bra". Hillary replies "Yeah, they are nice, Slick Willy got 'em for
me". Tipper says "Were they a suprise?" Hillary says "They sure
were...I came home...and there they were, hanging over a chair in the
bedroom...
Slick Willy was discussing his healthy sex life with Al Bore, the
environmental whacko, and Al, after hearing all of the sordid details
curiously askes Slick Willy, "Do you ever talk to Hillary after sex"
... Slick Willy says, "No, but I could, I have her office phone
number..."
One day Slick Willy was reading the newspaper. Hillary walked
over and, noticing a picture of Jennifer Flowers, broke into tears.
Slick Willy broke down and admitted having an affair. However, to
soften the blow, he showed Hillary the adjoining column which featured
a picture of Bush's supposed extramarital partner. After looking back
and forth at the two pictures, she looked at Slick Willy once again
and said "I like ours better...."
One day Slick Willy admitted to Al Bore "My wife Hillary is such
a liar." Al Bore said "What did she do?" Slick Willy said "She told me
she was with Jennifer Flowers all night last night." Al said "How do
you know it was a lie?" Slick Willy said "Because I spent last night
with Jennifer Flowers."
Slick Willy says to Hillary, "Listen dear, I'm having an
affair..." To which Hillary replies, "Really?.... Who's catering it?
....."
What's the difference between Slick Willy's platform and a messy
room? ...... You can straighten up a messy room.
When Slick Willy was recently asked about the new abortion bill,
he said, "Ah thought Ah paid it!"
Slick Willy fully supports the feminist movement in America
because "It gives all them babes something to do in their spare time."
What does Slick Willy have in common with Seven-Up?...........
Never had it, never will....
Al Bore has isolated the cause of sickle-cell anemia? It's from
the glue on food stamps! Good job, Al....
Know why Slick Willy has no freckles?.... they slid off ....
The biggest joke of all - Slick Willy as president. There is
nothing funnier (except the naive jerks that vote for him). On second
thought, maybe it's not so funny!?
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@18@ANSI BEE by ED REY